goodbye letter

Hey Mom,

Just now, I was looking at the calendar and realizing that tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary since I last saw you. It was the last time I was able to hug you. The goodbye was more rushed than I would have liked, but we stretched the moment out as much as we could. I had to rush off to use the printers at FedEx before they closed. Time.

Like that day, today I’m running around collecting and printing documents. Putting together the final pieces of paperwork for the largest (volume wise) document I have ever created, much larger than the few pages we tried to print at your house.

That last night in Michigan was a Wednesday. I remember being quite frustrated when your printer wasn’t working. I apologized to you for being so childish about it. You said that it was OK that I was upset, and you said that you knew I wasn’t upset with you. I was relieved, but apologized again anyway. In some subtle way, I regretted during a moment where I could let go. When you saw that, you subtly let me know that it wasn’t necessary to beat myself up about it. I remember you freeing me from that thought. It was a subtle thing, but I still cherish that example of forgiveness.

I was about to drive across the country. I remember feeling good about us and our ability to move through that extremely frustrating moment. Both us noticing it in the other, then giving them silent permission to let it go. Broken computer accessories are good at creating frustrations, which is only amplified when I’m in a rush. That was awesome, Mom.

You’ve taught me a lot. I want you/me/us to know that I’ve being doing what I can to find the gifts in your absence. It really doesn’t feel like you are “gone”, but I know something has significantly changed. There are gaps in my life that I will have to make my own paths for. I can no longer find you outside of myself.

This past weekend, I was having dinner with an old friend of mine who I met over a decade ago, in Vancouver. I met him again in Toronto about 6 years later, and now recently, in Edmonton. We’re apparently subconsciously following each other around the country.  Epic Two-Finger Pushup Dave. One day I’m going to accidentally call him “Bruce”.

Anyhow, as Dave and I ate through piles of fish, we spoke of you. At one point, we both became very quiet, then silent. Dave looked into my face and said, “I can see her right now. I see her looking at me. She’s wonderful.” I felt as he saw. Powerful silent moment.
You were the initial inspiration for this blog. I wanted to record my travels and discoveries. Perhaps it was a just a way of yelling, “Here I am!” Published in a form that doesn’t set an expectation for a response. The travel blog then morphed into an online technical study journal.

This website no longer serves any of these purposes very well. I require something more minimal and more flexible than WordPress. I dig text files. Ok, I’m getting technical again.

I last spoke to you on the phone, two weeks before you passed. You knew I was happy and living in peace. You didn’t sound so optimistic about your own surroundings. However, I supposed it’s safe to say that you are in a better place now.

No clue what that means exactly…  but I’m guessing it doesn’t include blog posts.


P.S. I saw on your computer that all your recent photos were adjusted using GIMP instead of Photoshop.   I didn’t know you were liking that program!! It made me smile to see all those open-source-created image files on your PC hard drive. Nice one, Mom.

Completed First Week

First week of working with Travis is complete.  We met our deliveries, despite all the setbacks with all the setting up.  Computers.  GAH! We have full confidence that the second time around will be 1/3 the time. Learning tons from each other. I have really missed this kind of collaboration.

Speaking of computers…

Sometimes they can have light and simple tools that mimic traditional tools that we find in real life.  Plastic Animation Paper is one of those tools.  The free version allows you to play around and export little animations.  Here’s one of the 4 doodles I’ve done in the program.  I enjoyed every second of it…   and you can expect to see more.

Plastic Animation Paper – Test 1 from verbal007 on Vimeo.

There is something magical about creating something for the sake of creating. No money or deadlines to steer you. Each step is spontaneous.

Hmm… needs some ninjas.

Personal Organization

For some reason, I move away from the devices that I know will assist me. At the moment I’m speaking of the fact that I keep avoiding the creation of this blog.

The above, is an example of a useful random thought that is customized for me. It carries just the right words, and my brain interprets the connotations in just the way right way. Every once in awhile, I’m able to discover one of these “personalized power phrases” (or whatever you want to call them). It usually involves me ending a mental loop. A reliance that I plan to break, as I just need 15 minutes of complete focus and silence to prevent myself from running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I need some time outside of my environment.

Blog: This is my psychological evaluation. No doctor will be able to find the true secrets in your mind as it’s difficult enough for us to do it, ourselves. A doctor would require 100% cooperation of the patient in order to be successful and there are so very few of us are able to comply 100%.

So now starts the blogging. I’m currently using my underused tool of speech recognition*. A tool which I plan to soon purchase. I am seated comfortably at home, alone. Nothing to distract me. No one to distract.

I should first line out my plan, my “dream schedule”.

6 a.m. The CD alarm clock starts. Luckily, I am already awake and am able to turn it off before it wakes up somebody else.
6:15 a.m. I’m finishing my morning warm-up and putting oatmeal into water which is already boiling.
6:30 a.m. I’m out of the shower and eating my oatmeal with flaxseed, cinnamon, raisins & molasses (or brown sugar).
7:00 a.m. I am on my way to the bus stop with a magazine for the bus ride.
8 a.m. At the studio, I check and respond to e-mails. Based on all this information I quickly to plan my day, which is recorded (somewhere consistent).
10:00 a.m. 15 minute break. I must get away from the desk by either doodling by a window, going to the gym or going outside to play.
12:30 p.m. Cook/reheat meal after walk outside.
4:20 p.m. DS time or semi-supine/nap.
6:30 p.m. Waiting at the bus stop waiting to head home

This would be the schedule I would like to have for four out of the five days. On the fifth day of my “five-day workweek”I will be available remotely via a VPN e-mail and/or telephone. If an employer is unable to do that schedule form he I must insist that I give me a reason that makes sense, because for me to schedule makes sense and has been proven to work.

7 p.m. I should already be thinking about what I’m going to be making for dinner, and lunch the next day. Dinner can be simple, light and quick. Just stirfry vegetables which are lightly spiced.
7:45 p.m. After working out I’m getting rolling on dinner.

At least three days a week I need to stay away from the computer in the evenings, so says doctor Me.

11:00 p.m. I better be making my way towards the bedroom, after cleaning up my desk, picking up my miscellaneous shit & then brushing my teeth.
11:15 p.m. Collect thoughts at the end of the day. Spend quiet time with my journal and my mind.
11:30 p.m. falling asleep

*Dragon naturally speaking is an incredible speech recognition program. This entire blog entry was created using Dragon NaturallySpeaking, and about 25 keystrokes.

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